I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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