true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
