He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
