he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
