i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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