I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
there is puke in my bra ... again
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