u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
