I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
