she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
