Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
