as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
