I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
