I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I forget how to act sober
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
