Don't make out with my wife yet
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
