Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
