Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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