i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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