well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Mom said you looked used
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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