Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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