I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
