You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
