Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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