The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
