I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
