I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
