I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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