Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
