question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
