Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
