Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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