I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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