I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How does it feel to date your dad?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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