I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
