just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
