One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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