What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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