come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
