Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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