It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
