walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
