beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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