So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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