R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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