Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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