The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
