There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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