Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
