wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
