I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
