My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
