when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
