He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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